Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
