We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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