Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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