Betty ford says i'm here all night
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
