I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
