So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
