I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
