I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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