he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
