the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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