i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
