I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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