i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
You should frame my arrest warrant.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize