I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
