Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize