If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
