Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
