i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
