i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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