I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Randomize
