I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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