i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
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