You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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