and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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