That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
