So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
