I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
