I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Randomize
