In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize