That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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