so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
