He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Randomize
