im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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