fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
