one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
