i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
