you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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