Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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