is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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