If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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