One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
