Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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