This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
