I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
