you're like a bully in the Christmas story
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
