she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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