Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
