I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
