$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Randomize
