So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
