Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
