Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize