I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Randomize
