dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
