I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
