sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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