I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
